Step 9 of the Proactive 12 Steps
I practice these new mindful behaviors in real life.
Step 9, above, is part of the Beta version of the 4th edition of the Proactive 12 Steps. A video commentary on each step has been released over the past few months. Now is the time to share with us your feedback on the commentary:
- What do you find helpful?
- What would you want more of?
- What would you add or change?
Your comments on each specific step and on the approach as a whole are welcome. Please share your comments.
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So, now that we have a repertoire of new ways, alternative ways to deal with difficult situations, we can apply them in real life. Obviously the principle that we need to be relatively safe is going to apply here too. So we're going to try to go to progressively more difficult situations in order to practice new behaviors, so that there is a chance to actually really learn new patterns... as opposed to a self-defeating approach, which would be to immediately go to the most difficult circumstance and prove to ourselves that it doesn't work.
In the original 12 steps, this is the step of making amends to other people. And, obviously, part of what this step can include is talking to people you might have harmed and apologize to them. So the behavior that is suggested in the original 12 steps is very much part of this one, Step 9 of the Proactive 12 Steps.
However, the emphasis in this one is not so much to apologize, but it is to go one step further than that. It is to actually change the patterns, which is, by far, much more important, because what you want to do is not just apologize and then keep doing the same thing, with the same people or with other people... You want to have so understood why it is that you did what you did, that you're actually now able to change the way you do things. And so, from that place, if you apologize to somebody, it is actually an apology that will be that much more meaningful because you'll then be able to behave differently. And this person will get that you really mean it.